The Trump Family

By Unknown Genus 

(WASHINGTON DC) – There’s a saying in the Corona virus infested K Street watering holes frequented by the remaining West Wing Bunkerkommando.

“This must be what it feels like to be the grabbed p***y.”

Those still sucking oxygen from the puss-filled political corpse of Donald John Trump, outgoing forty-fifth President of the United States, are beginning to smell the rising water. Even the President’s children are said to be panicking.

Speaking of the demoralized lame-duck president, one anonymous source remarked, 

“He’s reduced to figuring out who’s giving him better advice: The guy talking to pigeons on the park bench, or the eighty-year-old man in the convenience store parking lot with a bible under his arm, screaming at an ice cream sandwich.”

Here’s a recap of what we know about the latest thinking from the President’s most trusted advisors – as well as his sons.

Uday: The acting CEO of the President’s businesses has suggested to his father that he is perfectly willing to kill himself in an act of protest.  The 36 year-old Trump has offered to dress in a saffron robe and MAGA hat outfit, then set himself on fire in the Rose Garden. 

Although sources say the president’s middle son is “ready to strike the match” the president is having second thoughts about the plan, reportedly telling advisors in a rare display of caution, “It sounds like a great idea in theory, but I’m scared it would, you know, backfire somehow. What does Stephen Miller think?”

The president’s chief concern appears to be that if the younger Trump somehow botches the job (which aides say is likely) the president would “[get] stuck having to appear concerned about a dying son – something he really doesn’t have time for at this point.”

Qusay:  Known as the president’s secret weapon in communicating with his base, the eunuch scion of the Trump dynasty has offered to become, according to a source, “an actual weapon.”  The source says the plan involves “his elephant gun, his first wife, and Kimberly Guilfoyle” in something code named Sloppy Seconds.  

Speaking on the record, Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner said, “It’s a fun plan, but as everyone knows, even Donald Trump is not a big enough moron to listen to his sons.”

As we filed this report there were unconfirmed reports the president’s eldest son has entered a rehab facility in Idaho for issues described as “stimulant abuse and anal insertion of army men.” It is unknown whether the army men the source referred to were the little green plastic ones, or actual members of the United States armed forces.

Jared: Known to command more respect from the president than his sons, has suggested the president order Treasury Secretary Mnuchin to authorize a one-time, COVID related grant to Kushner Companies for eight billion dollars. A source present at the meeting where the suggestion came up said the president responded to the Kushner Companies heir, “I like the idea, but what does it have to do with my plan to seize control of the military, mobilize a MAGA Army, and impose dictatorship on the United States?”  Kushner reportedly replied, “Not all that much really, but doesn’t it still sound like fun?”

The President is said to be considering his son-in-law’s plan closely.

Ivanka:  So far the president’s bean can fondling daughter, who officials frequently describe as a poster child for nepotism laws, seems to be in the driver’s seat. The Marlboro huffing, former fashion model is a feared presence not only in the Kushner household but in the West Wing as well. She has been largely dictating her father’s no-nonsense, Evita Peron inspired opera buffa response to his convincing electoral drubbing.

While some predicted Ivanka would be a moderating influence on the Trump White House, she is widely known inside the Administration as the sharp elbowed idealogue with came up with policies like family separation, DACA Taunting, and the idea some have said she is most proud of: Tormenting the widows of political enemies.

“Anyone who gets on the wrong side of that little lady can lose a gonad or two,” a highly placed Trump administration official said. “Just ask Jared.”

When contacted for a comment regarding the intrigue surrounding fraught circumstances surrounding the current presidential transition, a spokesman for Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark A. Milley responded this way, “So far we’ve never had to evict anyone from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue… but you’ve seen the movie Zero Dark Thirty, right?”


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